I've been trying to write this post for some time now but I've just not been able to muster the strength to do it...
To put it bluntly, I'm in a bad place with a lot of things, this post is going to try explain them so bear with me.
I just don't have the energy to blog, that zap of life and creativity, it's gone. I've given up with the gym, with healthy eating, socialising and self love. I've stopped doing all of it and I have no idea why.
When I used to look in the mirror I would see a sexy, confident and smiley Katie, now when I look in the mirror I see a lump of pity, a drag and a damn right mardy cow.
I may seem perfectly fine on social media or to my friends but that's because I just hide shit well. On Twitter and other forms of social media, I still act funny (which in all honesty I am funny haha), I still smile, have fun, socialise, make jokes, try to act fierce and slay like Beyonce.
Kayne on the other hand, sees it all because he just gets me and he knew straight away that I wasn't feeling myself and he's been my rock recently. In recent months, he's had to deal with a lot of crap from me and he's been super patient and kind - he's seen me not wanting to shower for a whole week, just because I can't find a reason why I should (gross right?) to the point where he's taken me to the shower and sat in his ensuite with me whilst I showered, he's even attempted to wash my hair - he did try but I just have too much of it haha. He's seen me punching my naked body in the mirror crying because I just hate how I look and I'm so frustrated with myself because I don't have the motivation to change that. If that isn't motivating me, what the hell will? The 'twinkle' in my eye as Kayne puts it, it's gone and I just don't know why.
Why do I hate myself this much right now? I keep asking myself day in, day out because I shouldn't feel this way. I'm in a great position, I'm an events and marketing manager, I'm happily engaged and planning a wedding, I'm so close to buying my first home with Kayne and hopping onto the property ladder. I have a great circle of amazing people who I now consider extremely good if not best friends that I've found through blogging and Twitter. I have a family that love and support me. Yet, I still feel lonely and like a complete failure? I know it's ok to feel this way some times but I've felt this way for a few months and I keep trying to ignore it and deny the thoughts I'm having from entering my head, but slowly they're creeping in faster and darker and I'm not sure what to do.
I just feel... lonely. Damn right lonely.
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. As I type this post, I'm crying and I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm starting to come to terms with my feelings, that I'm beginning to look for answers instead of just asking myself why? I don't know. It sucks to feel this way, it sucks to feel lonely and feel like nobody cares (even though they do care)
I don't want this post to become a 'woe is me, pity me please and love me' because that's not what I'm aiming to do. My blog is my space for me to let my thoughts and feelings flow uninterrupted. I'm literally just typing what is coming into my head so none of this probably makes any sense.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? Right now, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I know I'm only human and it's ok to feel this way, it just feels incredibly strange and disorientating. I'm usually a ball of energy. I know I'll ok, I just need to figure out how to get there, as Miley Cyrus famously sang in the Hannah Montana Movie "Aint' about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climbbbbbbbbbbbbbb"
I'm going to stop typing now, because I've just babbled a load of crap and I need to pee. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
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